I have been thinking a lot of my students recently. I don't know what prompted it... whether it is being removed from it all or an e-mail I received from a former colleague. I keep thinking- what if I could have done more? What if I took more initiative and tried to connect to my most troubled kids on a deeper level? Would Seric have channeled his aggression towards his abusive step-father in a more productive manner? Would Tariano have realized his full potential and apply himself despite a community culture that often doesn't value book smarts as much as street smarts? Would Toshia have been able to better cope with being a white girl in a majority black and Hispanic school? Within the 70 minute class period, dealing with personal issues was often secondary to learning math and gaining life skills. Maybe I had it all backwards... In a way, it would have been nice to teach elementary school where I could devote all of my attention to my 20 students instead of the 70 in my classes plus the other 150 in the 6th grade. I wonder how my kids are doing in the 7th and 8th grade... I wonder if they take some of the lessons learned in my classroom and apply it to their day-to-day lives... and I wonder if they internalized the reasoning behind showcasing a "College of the Week" each Monday and that they believe in their ability to go to college as much as I do. Unfortunately with the teaching profession you don't always get to see your final results. Yes, you see how much your students progressed academically and often times personally by the end of the school year. But you aren't privy to know if you changed the course of their life even in the slightest.
Maybe it is the A-type personality in me that thinks I should have been better, I should have tried harder. Are A-type personalities condemned to a life of dissatisfaction and discontent?!!! This dissatisfaction makes me feel like I am not done in the classroom... who knows, maybe I will return to teaching one day....
3 comments:
Okay, so I am in this exact same dilemna as I think about what is next for me. We had some of these conversations while I was there, but where does our impact really make the most difference? I miss the classroom so much right now. I got to use my colored sharpies, and I got excited because it made me think about my poster-making days at WC.
I went to a couple of schools last week and got so upset as I sat there watching the classroom dynamics. These teachers had smartboards and camera projectors, which is so much more than we had. In one class there were 10 kids and they were winding down for their final and were on material that I had covered in late October in my classroom. I walked into another room and the teacher was 'teaching' to maybe four out of the seventeen students in the room. They were getting up at free will and writing notes or drawing or had their heads down. I almost got so upset that I had a very strong urge to leave. I didn't, but it made me want to be there because I knew I could provide a better environment for these kids to learn.
As I sit and think about what comes next, I have to consider where I want to make my impact. Do I want to be recruiting the teachers, do I want to be leading them, or do I want to be one? There are so many questions. And now if I go back to teaching it would be a much larger than desired paycut, but that shouldn't matter.
Maybe this is all because I am heading back to Charlotte soon. I think about my students and the joys of teaching, and I want to be a part of that again. I want to make an impact and regardless of whether we saw the immediate impact of our work, I still felt it. I loved Charlotte and was that because I was there with you all or also because I was teaching. Maybe I also want to go back because I feel like I didn't do enough and wasn't there to see the longevity of some of my actions and to be there to guide my students into college. Oh Yamit, we need to talk.
Also, is there a reason for the B-r-a-b-l-c-s-e and that it can be mixed around to spell scrabble?
I love you and miss you dearly! I wish you were coming to CLT for New Years.
Hi Yamit! It's Kelly from TFA. I came across your blog through facebook and was really interested in this post. First of all, I really like teaching at ARMS. The staff is great and the kids are WONDERFUL. Second of all, please please PLEASE email me about particular kids (8th graders) you are wondering about- I would love to update you and hear about what they were like as little 6th graders! Between Jessie and I we probably know them if they're still at ARMS. I hear wonderful things about you all the time and am glad you're doing well!
Yamit, You have touched so many people in your life and have been such a positive influence on them. What an amazing legacy you have.
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